Again, thank you. I write through more tears, the words scattering and sliding around. The statement promises trauma-informed help for us but for older taken people, i'm the class of '52, the need I have is to get facts - the deceit and empty promises, the lacunae in our papers, the redactions - prepared & ready to go in the promised collection.
No one understands the pain of adoption more then I do. But we have to stop playing the victim heal and get on with our lives. We can if we choose to. Reparations ? Youre embarrassing us. We arent beggars.
Robert, I could mute you or block you, but I’d rather answer you clearly, because this is not the first time you have entered adoptee conversations with contempt for those who do not frame their experience as you frame yours.
Reparations are not begging. They are not victimhood. They are not an embarrassment. They are the material form of accountability.
You may have chosen to understand your own adoption wound through survival, endurance, and personal responsibility, and you are entitled to that. But you are not entitled to shame other adoptees for naming the harm differently.
“Heal and get on with our lives” is a familiar phrase to many of us. It is usually said by people who want the wound to become quieter, neater, more palatable, and less inconvenient. But healing is not silence, survival is not compliance and justice is not begging.
You say no one understands the pain of adoption more than you do. I would suggest that no one understands all of it. Not mine. Not yours. Not anyone else’s. Which is why we should be careful with each other’s words, especially when speaking into wounds we did not personally live.
Disagree with reparations if you wish. Argue the point. Challenge the premise. But do not call adoptees beggars for asking the institutions that harmed them to contribute to repair.
When you read my words, I hope you’ll watch yours.
Its your choice to be a victim or a survivor. Victims never recover survivors always get stronger. Its your life. You cant mute the truth. Im not careful Im honest straight forward and after treating over 800 adoptees and their families I do understand the pain and I know how to heal it. Victims never heal
You are presenting a false binary: victim or survivor. As though naming harm means being trapped by it. As though asking for justice means refusing healing. As though accountability and recovery cannot occupy the same room.
They can.
A person can be harmed and still be strong.
A person can survive and still ask who caused the wound.
A person can heal and still insist that the institutions responsible should not be allowed to walk away with only an apology.
Your experience as a therapist does not give you ownership of the adoptee experience. Nor does it give you permission to shame adoptees who do not use your preferred language for their pain.
“Victims never heal” is not truth. It is cruelty dressed as certainty.
Many of us are not choosing victimhood. We are refusing erasure.
We are refusing the old demand that adoptees be grateful, quiet, resilient, and convenient.
We are refusing to carry the cost of state-sanctioned severance alone.
You are free to reject reparations for yourself. You are not free to call other adoptees beggars, embarrassments, or victims because they believe accountability should have a material form.
How you define yourself will determine the path of your life. Its your choice
Robert Allan Hafetz is a prominent therapist, author, and adoption reform activist who focuses exclusively on the psychological impacts and trauma associated with adoption. As an infant adoptee himself, he blends his lived experience with professional expertise to advocate for better clinical understandings of attachment issues and the legal rights of adoptees.Personal Background and SearchEarly Life: Born January 28, 1951, as Marvin Lee Klein at a Salvation Army Booth Home in Jersey City, New Jersey, he was placed in foster care for six months before being adopted.The Search: Driven by a lifelong feeling of being "haunted" by his maternal separation, he began searching for his family of origin at age 52 after his adoptive parents passed away. He located his biological family eight months later, discovering that his birth mother had unfortunately died young.Memoir: He documented his arduous journey of self-discovery in his 2005 book, Not Remembered Never Forgotten: An Adoptee's Search for His Birth Family.Professional Practice and PhilosophyCareer: After completing a Master's Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) at Holy Family University, he founded Adoption Education & Family Counseling LLC in Warrington, Pennsylvania.Clinical Focus: Hafetz specializes in treating what he terms "implicit trauma" and "disenfranchised grief" stemming from early maternal separation. He works closely with adoptive families to cultivate secure attachment styles.Core Belief: He strongly challenges the conventional notion that infants are unaffected by adoption because they "can't remember" the separation, arguing instead that the body stores cellular and implicit memories of the trauma.Advocacy and ReformLegislative Activism: Acting as a state representative for the American Adoption Congress and a member of New Jersey Care, Hafetz has testified multiple times before the New Jersey Senate and Assembly.Birth Records Reform: He is a vocal proponent of unsealing original birth certificates, campaigning heavily for the legal right of adult adoptees to access their unaltered historical identities.Would you like to explore Robert Hafetz's specific therapeutic frameworks, look into his published articles on implicit memory, or learn about current adult adoptee rights legislation?
Again, thank you. I write through more tears, the words scattering and sliding around. The statement promises trauma-informed help for us but for older taken people, i'm the class of '52, the need I have is to get facts - the deceit and empty promises, the lacunae in our papers, the redactions - prepared & ready to go in the promised collection.
Thank you
✨⚕️💜
You have a very haughty spirit, dude. Seriously. It is very unattractive. Do better, man.
No one understands the pain of adoption more then I do. But we have to stop playing the victim heal and get on with our lives. We can if we choose to. Reparations ? Youre embarrassing us. We arent beggars.
Robert, I could mute you or block you, but I’d rather answer you clearly, because this is not the first time you have entered adoptee conversations with contempt for those who do not frame their experience as you frame yours.
Reparations are not begging. They are not victimhood. They are not an embarrassment. They are the material form of accountability.
You may have chosen to understand your own adoption wound through survival, endurance, and personal responsibility, and you are entitled to that. But you are not entitled to shame other adoptees for naming the harm differently.
“Heal and get on with our lives” is a familiar phrase to many of us. It is usually said by people who want the wound to become quieter, neater, more palatable, and less inconvenient. But healing is not silence, survival is not compliance and justice is not begging.
You say no one understands the pain of adoption more than you do. I would suggest that no one understands all of it. Not mine. Not yours. Not anyone else’s. Which is why we should be careful with each other’s words, especially when speaking into wounds we did not personally live.
Disagree with reparations if you wish. Argue the point. Challenge the premise. But do not call adoptees beggars for asking the institutions that harmed them to contribute to repair.
When you read my words, I hope you’ll watch yours.
Jonathan
Its your choice to be a victim or a survivor. Victims never recover survivors always get stronger. Its your life. You cant mute the truth. Im not careful Im honest straight forward and after treating over 800 adoptees and their families I do understand the pain and I know how to heal it. Victims never heal
Robert, this is exactly the problem.
You are presenting a false binary: victim or survivor. As though naming harm means being trapped by it. As though asking for justice means refusing healing. As though accountability and recovery cannot occupy the same room.
They can.
A person can be harmed and still be strong.
A person can survive and still ask who caused the wound.
A person can heal and still insist that the institutions responsible should not be allowed to walk away with only an apology.
Your experience as a therapist does not give you ownership of the adoptee experience. Nor does it give you permission to shame adoptees who do not use your preferred language for their pain.
“Victims never heal” is not truth. It is cruelty dressed as certainty.
Many of us are not choosing victimhood. We are refusing erasure.
We are refusing the old demand that adoptees be grateful, quiet, resilient, and convenient.
We are refusing to carry the cost of state-sanctioned severance alone.
You are free to reject reparations for yourself. You are not free to call other adoptees beggars, embarrassments, or victims because they believe accountability should have a material form.
I won’t keep going round this circle with you.
You have made your position clear.
So have I. No need for you to respond.
Jonathan
How you define yourself will determine the path of your life. Its your choice
Robert Allan Hafetz is a prominent therapist, author, and adoption reform activist who focuses exclusively on the psychological impacts and trauma associated with adoption. As an infant adoptee himself, he blends his lived experience with professional expertise to advocate for better clinical understandings of attachment issues and the legal rights of adoptees.Personal Background and SearchEarly Life: Born January 28, 1951, as Marvin Lee Klein at a Salvation Army Booth Home in Jersey City, New Jersey, he was placed in foster care for six months before being adopted.The Search: Driven by a lifelong feeling of being "haunted" by his maternal separation, he began searching for his family of origin at age 52 after his adoptive parents passed away. He located his biological family eight months later, discovering that his birth mother had unfortunately died young.Memoir: He documented his arduous journey of self-discovery in his 2005 book, Not Remembered Never Forgotten: An Adoptee's Search for His Birth Family.Professional Practice and PhilosophyCareer: After completing a Master's Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) at Holy Family University, he founded Adoption Education & Family Counseling LLC in Warrington, Pennsylvania.Clinical Focus: Hafetz specializes in treating what he terms "implicit trauma" and "disenfranchised grief" stemming from early maternal separation. He works closely with adoptive families to cultivate secure attachment styles.Core Belief: He strongly challenges the conventional notion that infants are unaffected by adoption because they "can't remember" the separation, arguing instead that the body stores cellular and implicit memories of the trauma.Advocacy and ReformLegislative Activism: Acting as a state representative for the American Adoption Congress and a member of New Jersey Care, Hafetz has testified multiple times before the New Jersey Senate and Assembly.Birth Records Reform: He is a vocal proponent of unsealing original birth certificates, campaigning heavily for the legal right of adult adoptees to access their unaltered historical identities.Would you like to explore Robert Hafetz's specific therapeutic frameworks, look into his published articles on implicit memory, or learn about current adult adoptee rights legislation?
Well said. Thank you.